"In Love", the Acronym

Being in love is bullshit. Total, absolute, meaningless, bullshit. Now, don't get me wrong--it exists, and it's a beautiful feeling. However, it merits nothing even close to currency in the trade of relationships. "In Love", that happy, goofy, lighter-than-air feeling that causes mild heartburn, butterflies, and arrhythmia of the lungs and heart lasts for approximately...a week. After that week, there isn't as much of the physical side effects (probably a fortunate thing, because the burning in your throat can get a bit annoying after it happens as often as you think of them, which, by the way, is at least once every minute or so). After that week, you glow for the next...yes, three months. Wow...three months. That's a beautiful...three months...to base your entire relationship on. Except it's not. "In Love", biologically, exists for fertilization. Emotionally, "In Love" exists so that both people could not possible stand to be away from each other for long enough to take a dump, all for the reason of...building something deeper--which is the evolutionary purpose. You call her all the time, text limitlessly, pine, and daydream about romantic frolics in the park all so you can 1) bone her so you can impregnate her 2) once you impregnate her, so you can spend enough time together to build what it will take to keep you together with your child. So, what are you building? What is left once "In Love" (hereafter referred to as 'IL') fades? (And, yes, folks, I swear on everything that what you knew in the beginning as IL will fade. No fear! Something will replace it...let's just hope that "something" is not irritation, hatred, resentment, contempt, or vehement intolerance.) Silly little things like trust, love, devotion, loyalty, respect, comfort, and deep and detailed knowledge of the person's thoughts, feelings, tendencies, personality, tastes, and the important things like what gives them meaning and what to say when they need you start to matter. You think that your unlimited texting plan and those butterflies will keep you together 30 years from now? Actually, no. Chances are, those two geeky kids in high school that spent every waking hour together studying and never even once kissed or thought about each other in that way will be holding hands in Central Park at 80, having tea over Sinatra love songs and fucking harder at 80 than you ever did in college. This, by the way, may sound like a rant...but how many rants are backed by psychological studies, which turn into statistics, which document facts? Who are you to argue with me when I studied this for two years as a HOBBY? Not to mention studying it for 8 years as a lovelife. People who fall in love and start a relationship have no better chance of "making it" than people who get together because they care about one another or because they think they fit. So, surprise, in 3 months, the couple who decided they're too unlikely to marry anyone else other than their best friend and the couple who left "ZOMG I LUV U SOOOOOOO MUCH" plastered all over each other's facebook walls will, in three months, have the same chance at succeeding together once the things that count begin to move in. IL counts only for a better chance at getting people together for those first three months. In fact, the people that get together because they care about one another and find each other attractive have a better chance of staying together because they based their relationship's conception on their logical compatibility rather than their biological urges. Sorry to disappoint everyone who thought that IL was not biological. I've been through it all by now to be an expert. So how come no one listens? I've been through IL and love, lust with no love, love with no lust, IL without love, and love without IL. I fell in love twice to know what I'm talking about, and what happened of the two? The first time had everything. I happened to fall head over heels for...my best friend, who was not only a smart choice by my hypnotized IL standards, but also by logic. We suited each other as it was. When we were over, it's not pining and romantic walks on the beach that IL spawns that I missed, it was my best friend. It was the person I'd see before bed, the person I'd detail my day to, trust my family problems to, do absolutely EVERYTHING with...because he and I shared interests and intellectual points of view. Fuck the sex, give me my other half back.

Awesome to know I'm in a lose lose lose situation, though. There is no convincing, because I could not be convinced. "I want passssiooonnn," I whined, and so I threw away anything that ever meant anything (all those aforementioned trust, respect, love, friendship, companionship blah blah blah's up there) for what? The second time I fell in love was fucking retarded. He was a scumbag loser who had the trait I hate the most in people: dishonesty. He was shallow, crass, and superficial. Great things to realize...once three months pass. So what now? Why am I even bothering to care for a significant other that I don't feel IL for? Because if I did it'd be gone by now anyway. The only thing that'd be left if I fell in love with him in the first place is what is there now: I care about him, his feelings, his problems. He shares all my interests, my hobbies, my conversational topics. We have similar backgrounds, histories, ethics, outlooks, views, humor, personalities, and family dynamics. We feel about the same for one another and we are the same level of attractiveness. The sex is great, and I don't see either one of us being the type to get lackluster or lose our spice. I'm not with him because he's Prince Charming. I'm with him because he suits me just fine, he's my best friend. He's there when I need him. To be honest, the major reason I'm with him is because he legitimately cares about me. This is close enough to the same thing I lost when I made the mistake he will one day make with me. I have someone again that is my best friend that I can spend hours hanging out with without kissing, and then spend hours ravaging in my bed another day. That shit works. It's fucking proven. The relationships that last are the ones that end with the couple being best friends (...with a sex life, naturally). IL just gets you to "best friend" faster...or it doesn't. Just wait until you discover that the one you fell IL with is that shallow scumbag that marked my second IL. Congrats!

But hey, don't take my testimony. I haven't fucked up my life before or anything. Take the testimony from an old black couple I watched a video on MSN about once. The wife talked about how they fight, sure, but they stayed together so long because, "he's my best friend. We always talk everything out." Good luck with Miss Perfect. She could be your next best friend turned wife once the IL runs out...or you could find her with your buddy's dick in her mouth while your best friend ex rode off into the sunset to go find out why the hell her life is still punishing her.

And even thus...even knowing all of this and having this desire to cut and run and save myself the trouble of frustration, even as turned off as I get knowing that I'll never fully enjoy this relationship because he's too scared to just have a good time with me and enjoy it while it lasts, even now I understand finally how men go into war in the front lines knowing they'll die. Because sometimes, even things that carry certain risk are worth doing because your life will not have meaning without it. I know I will end up cast aside. I know it will suck almost as much as the only time I got my heart broken. (Notice I said almost...there's no way anything can hurt more than something that is your own fault--a good warning to heed.) Even knowing I'll have to grin as my best buddy introduces his next chick to me and I have to be buddybuddy with her to keep my promise to our friendship true...I still will march on because I don't want to miss out on the good time I can still have. The only thing that makes me want to desert this army is the thought that I'm being "saved" from what is essentially half the fun. I'm being denied romance and little nuances just because I might get all swept up and be all heartbroken or led on. News for you--I have never been led on. Even in the very beginning I knew better. I won't get swept away. I'm not with you to snag you. I'm with you...to be with you. Because that's the only reason that ever keeps people together. And when I can no longer be with you, then what? I'll drink myself into the toilet and cry myself asleep? No. That's just not how it works, okay? Now, I know you may think that you'll fall IL with your "perfect match", and I challenge you to find your "perfect match". Too bad it'll be so hard to top--and those aren't my words, they're yours. You act like you're settling. Find something that will be better after the first three months. Potentially, you really can't feel this great about me, and yes, that does hurt. I have different views than you do; ones based on realism and experience. I'm honestly offended that you think I'm so fragile and delicate. I'm also honored that you care about my feelings. Honestly, thank you, because, like any time you screw up, it's only because you are trying to keep me from harm because you care about me and my wellbeing. However, you need to believe me when I know what's good for me. Every time you haven't, you've been in the wrong. Believe me when I say I need to enjoy this because if I know it will end, I might as well enjoy the ride, and you're not letting me. Trust me when I say we need to live it up because if you keep shaving off the corners and cutting my rations to save me the heartbreak...I'll never even have sweet memories to look back on, and then I will have gone through all of this for nothing, not even to say I had a good time, because I didn't. And I'm not. And I'm asking you to please have a good time, because I'm not without that. Stop worrying. Burn that candle at both ends, because in doing so, you are making the person you care most about hurting happy.

Love
Phoenix