Prodigal Daughter

Here's the background scene every strategically good book starts with: Crying, miserable, ready to resign her control over. Weeping until the breath is drained from her lungs at every sob, she begs for a second chance, a second happiness, something better than the brimstone fire of despair that burns steadily away at the pathetic embers of her broken facade. "Please," she begs, "Please just let me be happy again. Give me a second chance and You can decide whatever You want. Show me and I will listen. I am so sorry for forsaking you in the first place. I swear I'm Yours. Take me back. Help me, please, You are the only one who can..."

So someone should totally smack me. Seriously. You know how Russians hit shit to make it work? Maybe I need that to get my brain to work. Let's take a simple quiz.

You are unable to focus on a movie because you're too busy getting butterflies in your stomach for the man you're laying with. Making out with a hot Army guy that you're pretty much smitten with, the phone rings. It's your ex. You:
a) Turn your shit off
b) Continue. Next is the shirt.
c) Throw your new phone
d) Pick it up.

Hey, here's a hint. Maybe the answer isn't D. 0. You got a 0 on this quiz you dumb bitch. Fail. EPIC. I know what was going through my head, though, and it was honorable. He told me once that if I only picked up he'd stop calling. I just wanted him to stop calling.

He had every right to get hurt or insulted or angry. He had every right to make me realize how wrong that was. If it were me, I probably would not have even been so understanding. Forgiven, my downtrodden stupid self went for a ride to clear my head. Mayank wanted me to call, and I wanted to call.

"Hey so who were you watching the movie with?"
"Alan."
"G?"
"No, Army."
"Oh. May I ask you a question, and you sure you won't mind?"
"Yes, please do continue."
"Do you think you'll move on?"
"I don't know what is in my future. I can't see that far ahead. All I know is that I like spending time with him and he makes me happy, and I have no strings attached to anybody."
"Do you think you will become attracted to him?"
"Yes I do. I want to learn more about him, and the more I learn about him, the more I like. I like his personality and we have a lot in common and he puts me at peace. I didn't used to understand what Josh meant when he told me some things, but I understand now, and I am happy."

The only thing that I didn't tell him is what isn't any of his business, only mine and Army's.

Let me summarize the agonizing minutes into the basic points. I easily replace people. I broke promises. I lied when I said I'd give him a second chance for a mistake. I'm doing this on purpose. I am doing this for revenge. I move from guy to guy. Let's get back together. Just give me a chance. I know you are happy, but I can make you happier. We can work on it if we try.

Let's tackle that list, shall we? I do not replace ANYONE. No relationship I build with anyone is the same as any previous or forthcoming. I break no promises because I make no promises I can't keep. Mistake? Having a shitty relationship is not a mistake, it is two people being wrong for each other. You broke up with me, you fucked this up, I tried my best. Doing this on purpose? I'm trying to slow myself down so I do this all right. Let's not get back together. I would be living a lie. It's not about fights anymore, it's about romantic feelings--I have NONE. You can't work on something like that. If you even had a chance, why would you have kept it? You have done nothing but proven me right from text message to text message to phone call to facebook status that you are a cruel, hurtful, mean person and I knew exactly who I am broken up with and that I was right and he hasn't changed. How can he even begin to understand what makes me happy? I'll tell you what. What does it take for you to understand and believe me that it is NOT HAPPENING because I don't WANT IT TO, it's MY CHOICE, and I am happy? Should I tell you how I feel when he's around? When I look into his eyes? When he touches my hand? He's not a rebound; I experience genuine happiness. Is that so wrong? Am I sleeping around? Expecting commitment or relationship? Hooking up? Using someone? Being conscienceless? No. None of the above. I told Army the truth. His friendship plus whatever we have going is worth more to me. I lost the best thing in my life. I'm not fucking up a good thing. I'm not fucking up my second chance at happiness for the same reason I fucked up before. I'm not being stupid this time, and I'm not spitting in God's face. I told Mayank everything, and when he didn't understand, I said it blatantly. I do not want to get back together, it is not happening, and no, I can't spend as much time with him as with Army because the kind of time I spend with Army is differently motivated. There's so much to learn. He intrigues me, interests me, makes me happy, and gives me peace. I don't see my best friends every day unless I live with them. I see Army daily, though.

Crowning jewel on this monarchy of Suck:
"You are worthless to me if we are not together. You are the biggest liar I have ever met. You are a worthless piece of shit. I truly and seriously hope that you end up in a divorce with some asshole and are miserable and alone. You lost all of your friends because you fucked up. One more thing--you can go suck his cock. I'm going to write you an e-mail sometime this week. Read through it and really think about where you're headed in your life." Dana, may I get off the phone now?

Um...I won't do that, but if you like, if we ever have sex, I'll take pics and send them to you attached to a Thank You card for your friendly advice.

Whatever. I'm glad this happened. I probably wouldn't have been ballsy enough to do what I did if Army didn't hand it to me straight. I can't believe I almost fucked such a good thing up. At least I have time to make up for it. I started by calling him and telling him that I came clean.

Choice quotes:
"I won't let this happen to me." Oh really? What will you do? I'd rather die than live a lie knowing I could have been happy with someone else.

"Once you lose me, I'm gone forever." Big loss. I really need someone in my life to make me feel like shit on the bottom of a jogger's shoe.

"How could you do this after someone did it to you?" Because it makes sense to be happy instead of being bitched at. I know what he's going through, and I also know he's wrong. Love is wanting someone to be happy and doing whatever it takes to keep them in your life. Not the opposite. This is all a little too crazy for me. I'll take my snowed in cuddles and intoxicated Tuesdays in peace, Thank You.

Damn...God Bless America. *salute*